Nintendo Wii Release, Ground Zero

For the first time all year, nerds everywhere popped a gigantic boner this morning in anticipation of the release of Nintendo's new video game console, the Nintendo Wii (pronounced "wee").

Signs of the Wii's imminent arrival were visible before sunrise this morning. Around 6 am, I noticed the power went off in my apartment, no doubt due to desperate nerds trying to infiltrate the Best Buy and Future Shop stores within walking distance of my home. I pictured a goatee-wearing 20-something fleeing the store, precious console tucked in a big sack with a Nintendo logo on it, while pursuing security personnel shouted, "Stop him! He’s taking a Wii!"

I check out the reviews of Wii games on Gamespot. There are about 10 already, about half have good reviews, the other half, mediocre. The quirkier games, intriguingly, seem to have the best use of the new controls, while the more traditional fare, like first-person shooters seem to have issues with the controls. In fact, one of the more anticipated new games, Red Steel, has scored a dismal 5ish out of 10. The game I most want to try is the boxing game, because let's face it: gamers haven't had the opportunity to pretend to punch their television since the release of the Nintendo Power Glove, back in the 90s. Come to think of it, hasn't this whole motion-sensing control gimmick been done before?

But time's wasting. By 10:45, I'm off to Best Buy, the closest store most likely to have the Wii. Sure enough, there's a good-sized line up and a helpful sign outside. The sign informs that this particular store has 87 Wii consoles for sale on a first-come, first-wii basis. I walk past the people, chairs and sleeping bags and count the line while trying not to snicker. It's mostly men and a few women who looked embarassed to be there, not to mention cold. There's only about 60 people, meaning if I was willing to stand in line for an hour until the store opens, I could probably get my own Wii. It also means that it was totally worth it for those people who camped out all fucking night to get one.

I can see Future Shop without leaving Best Buy (the two stores' redundant proximity to each other being a good sign of people's eagerness to fill the holes in their empty lives with superfluous electronic gadgets) and the situation there looks pretty similar. I don't bother walking over.

I head into the mall, knowing there's at least two retailers there who would be carrying the Wii. I hit Zellers first - no line up. The store's still closed, but a rather dismissive little sign informs me the store only has 9 Wii consoles and they're going to whoever shows up at 10 am in the "south parkade" entrance...where ever that is. Yeah, that makes much more sense than, oh I don't know, going to the store. But at least they're dignified about it. There's also a tiny sign mentioning the store didn't get any Playstation 3 consoles, due to Sony's planned - oops, I mean "unexpected" shortage of crucial components. "So nerds," I would've added, had I written the sign, "you can fuck off and stop asking, okay?"

I wander past EB Games. There's a few bored-looking, 20-something guys outside the store. A sign in the window mentions something about lining up here to pick up Nintendo Wii preorders. There's even a few people outside HMV, which has recently started carrying video games, but no sign.

But let's be honest: aren't I a die-hard video gamer? Isn't this the most revolutionary new console to come down from the great gods of gaming in the last few years? Doesn't that mean I would automatically step over my own family and friends to obtain one on the day of release?

Um, yeah, let's put it this way: if I had the chance to buy one without waiting in line, I probably would've. But all the excitement was too much for me. By 11:15, I had already returned home to rest, relax and play the greatest video game ever made: Robotron: 2084.

Year of release? 1982.