Find Your Arch Enemies - and Destroy Them

A few weeks ago I made a rather disturbing discovery, and felt obliged to share it with a close friend who I thought should be concerned. I mentioned to him that there were, according to my internet research (read: late night surfing for porno) not one, but two other people who apparently share his exact name. I was shocked that he did not seem to be the least bit disturbed, however.

"Yes, I'm quite happy about that. The way I see it, those people with my name will draw a lot of attention away from me and any awful things that I might do. They serve as a buffer of sorts."

I could not believe he could be so obtuse. "You fool," I told him. "You've got to find these people who share your name and destroy them."

I just assumed that it was common knowledge to everyone that any person who shares your name is automatically your arch enemy. I mean, let's face it: if someone else shares your name, that makes it much easier for them to try and become you. And once someone else becomes you, well...needless to say, your fate is sealed. Hence the importance of finding people who share your name, and destroying them.

Fortunately, a couple of sites on the internet have helped somewhat in expediting the process. One of my online friends introduced me to a website that will help to determine how many other people in the United States share your exact name. According to this site, my friend does not exist, because there is apparently no one in the USA who has her name (including her). A disturbing thought, certainly. But at least she can rest easy knowing that there are no doppelgangers out there trying to steal her life.

Sadly, the potential for malevolence is not limited to people who share your name. Happily, there is another website that can help you find your arch enemies. OKCupid.com has a feature that can point out the identities and locations of your enemies. For those not familiar with the site, it is ostensibly a "dating" site that contains a large number of "personality test" style questions. Using your answers to these questions, the site will evaluate your compatibility, or lack thereof, with the other users of the site and establish ratings in three categories: "Match", "Friend" and "Enemy." Now most naive users will, of course, want to find out who they "match" with. A foolish endeavor, of course. I mean, seriously: do you really need a website to tell you who likes you? I just assume everyone likes me, right?

But the enemies - ah! To overlook the most important aspect of the site - the "Enemy" ratings - would be a grave error. These enemies could be lurking anywhere, just waiting to steal your life/name/personality/all that you've struggled to gain and then destroy you, or even worse - become you.

I suggest that anyone who is not a member of OKCupid should join immediately. Then begin answering the personality test questions; a few hundred should be sufficient for accurate results. Next, go to the "Search Matches" tool and sort them based on highest Enemy Percentage. Undoubtedly, a few users will turn up who are rated 0% Match, 0% Friend, but 80+% Enemy. These people are not your friends. They are not your lover. But they most definitely are your Enemy. And you should immediately make plans to initiate their destruction.

No doubt you will be disturbed by your findings. I know I was, when I discovered that innocent-looking female Wal-Mart clerk in Idaho who was rated as my 90% Enemy. But you should not be disturbed, you should be relieved. Now that you are aware of their existence, the balance of power has swung toward you. Knowledge is power. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing is half the battle.

Initiating contact is a delicate procedure, which I am reluctant to recommend. True, the site is free to use, so you can send as many messages to any user as you want to. But I would suggest subtlety, at least initially. Keep your messages vague, but intimidating. Use a subject line such as, "I know what you are planning." Or the slightly more obvious, "Don't fuck with me bitch." This will instill a sense of unease in your enemies that will make them more reluctant to engage you in open battle.

They will probably play dumb, and reply with a message such as "Who the fuck are you?" or "What the hell do you want?" Obviously, they may be quite hostile, but their hostility should be taken as a sign of weakness. Now that they know you exist, they have already lost some of their power. They can no longer plan to stealthily infiltrate your life. When they arrive, you will be ready.

I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking to yourself, "Well, I'm a generally nice, good, kind person. How could anyone dislike me? I hardly ever do anything wrong, except the occasional Friday night when I get ridiculously shitfaced and embarass myself."

Don't be a fool! Your enemies are out there! And up until now, you haven't even had the means to find them, let alone destroy them. But don't worry - the internet can help. Just make sure you find them, before they find you.

Good luck.